How to Break Up with Someone - The Brutally Honest Guide

Look, breaking up with someone is hard. Not as hard as childbirth or explaining tax codes, but it’s up there. And unless you're planning to vanish into the Scottish Highlands with no forwarding address, you’re going to have to do it properly.

Here’s your zero-fluff, brutally honest, slightly unhinged guide to ending a relationship like a legend (or at least without starting WWIII).

Step 1: Accept That You’re the Villain in Their Story

First things first: no matter how you do this, you’re the baddie now. You could deliver a TED Talk on your reasons, gift-wrap it with therapy vouchers, and send it via singing telegram — they’re still going to think you're Satan in skinny jeans.

Own it. Be the villain. Just don’t be a cowardly villain.

Step 2: Do It in Person — Unless They’re a Bit Stabby

Ideally, break up face-to-face. It's respectful, adult, and gives them the closure they need (even if they respond with a noise only dogs can hear). If you're long distance, video call at least. Text breakups are for teenagers and emotional wet wipes.

Exceptions:

• They’re emotionally abusive

• You’re genuinely scared of them

• They broke up with you but forgot to mention it

In these cases, feel free to send a carrier pigeon with a passive-aggressive Spotify playlist.

Step 3: Cut the Cringe, Skip the Clichés

Please. For the love of all that’s holy, don’t say “It’s not you, it’s me” unless you're also handing them a certificate for Most Original Breakup Line 2004.

Try honesty:

• “I don’t see a future for us”

• “We’re not on the same path”

• “I want different things — like to date literally anyone else”

Brutal? Yes. Clear? Absolutely.

Step 4: Don’t Stall with ‘We Need to Talk’

This phrase is like loading a relationship gun and passing it to them. If you’re going to say it, you better be breaking up within the next five words, not dragging it out over a sad dinner while pretending to like quinoa.

Step 5: Don’t Ghost — Unless You’re a Ghost

Seriously, unless you’ve died, been abducted by aliens, or joined a secret underground circus with no phone signal, don’t ghost people. It’s spineless, immature, and says more about you than them.

If you want to disappear without a trace, at least stage an elaborate fake kidnapping and give them a good story for the pub.

Step 6: Do Not Sleep With Them "One Last Time"

You’re not starring in a Netflix drama called “Toxic Desires: The Final Round”. Just no. You’ll confuse them, confuse yourself, and possibly end up buying a flat together “by accident”.

Step 7: Prepare for Fallout

You may get:

• Angry texts

• Sad texts

• Screenshots of memes that “used to be us”

• A dramatic social media purge where you’re mysteriously missing from all their photos

Let it happen. Let them rage-clean their flat and dye their hair a crisis colour. It’s part of the healing. Block if necessary. Mute if you’re nosy. But don’t engage just to soothe your guilt.

Step 8: Stay Gone

You do not get to break up with someone and then check in “just to see how they’re doing”. That’s not kind. That’s emotional loitering.

Let them move on. And you move on too — not into someone else’s bed within 24 hours, but, you know, emotionally.

Bonus Tip: Don’t Do It in These Places

• A restaurant. No one wants to sob into their chips.

• Their birthday. You monster.

• Christmas. See above.

• While they're holding something fragile. Like glass. Or a baby.

• After sex. Honestly, just why?

Final Thought

Breaking up isn’t fun. But dragging things out, playing games, or sneaking out the back door emotionally is worse. Be honest. Be clear. Be kind without being soft. They’ll hate you now, maybe thank you later, and definitely write a moody Instagram caption about it either way.

So take a deep breath, rip off the plaster, and end it like a grown-up. Preferably one with decent Wi-Fi and zero access to tequila.